So, if you’ve been following me at all you know by now that not much has happened on this blog for quite some time. And as much as I wanted to keep up some good content, I just did not have it in me to write here… My apologies!
As it turned out, taking what I thought at the time was the toughest kick in the balls ever, actually was probably the best thing that ever happened to me.
I’ll let you be the judge, here’s the story:
As you might remember I moved back from Cyprus to Sweden in late December 2015 to be with my wife, just to learn that she “needed time for herself” which then turned out she wanted a divorce.
As my good friend Mark J likes to say: “You gotta love irony!”
To say I was shocked was an understatement and getting the news in small pieces didn’t help much…
I even asked her if there was someone else which she denied.
Anyway, she moved out, got her stuff and on February 8th the divorce was sealed in court. I remember writing in my journal that this was somehow a relief as it finalized the matter and I could walk away from the last hope of a reunion. What if I’d know…
With perfect timing I went to Holland just before Easter to participate in a plant medicin healing ceremony March 24-25 were I finally leveraged what I learned the last years and released a horrific feeling of inadequacy I had carried since the age of 10 and that had been ever present over the years. Suddenly it was no more and I’m convinced that if it hadn’t been for the work with MK I couldn’t have done it this time either.
The same week my ex wife had returned to Cyprus for a few days to get the things she left in the apartment and I found it difficult to understand at the time why she flew down for 4 days when I just as well could bring her things with me to Sweden in June.
Meeting her for lunch the following Tuesday to get the key for the Cyprus apartment back she tells me she met someone and I said something like “well, that was likely to happen sooner or later”.
She then discloses that it’s her therapeut and teacher whom I referred her to years earlier and I always considered a friend.
As I had told several mutual friends, who’d asked me about them, that he never would behave so unethically and out of integrity, I could not help to break out in a booming laughter…
Later that week I met with him over a coffee and he reveals that Maria has flirted with him and hit on him since the fall of 2013, 6 months+ before she and I married.
While I’ll never gonna be able to understand how someone can enter a marriage and at the same time hit on another guy (and that’s probably a good thing not to understand) I had a really hard time accepting and digesting that I’d been living 2,5 years in a lie of someone else’s making.
I felt betrayed, used, played with and deserted…
The upside was that the old ugly feeling of inadequacy was still gone and the whole situation must sort of have been the ultimate test for that ?
After a couple of months with Netflix and HBO therapy (with or without some red wine), working through the last season of Game of Thrones, the entire Vikings and True Blood as well as some more I already forgotten, I had the opportunity to focus on service to other people at the live events in Kauaii. Returning from that beautiful island in much better shape, with deepened friendships, lots of new good friends and so many reminders how wonderful, honest and sincere people really can be.
What finally did it for me was going into the mountains for a good two weeks by myself (totally different story starting here: http://offthegridhiker.com/tours/the-start-hike-of-2016-day-1/).
For months doing almost anything to avoid thinking I threw myself into an environment where thinking was about the only thing I had to engage in, besides walking, of course.
Same parts of the tour demanded total focus with every step, though for the most part my thoughts could wander freely and about 14 days in it hit me like a sledge hammer….
In late spring 2011 I met a girl who was still in her previous marriage, explaining to me that it was over in every other way than on paper and they were more or less like sister and brother living together. Still it took more than 10 month to convince her to get divorced as she didn’t “want to hurt his feelings”.
So, how blind must I have been…?
Getting into a relationship with a woman who proved to me from the start that she, without a shadow of a doubt, was ok with cheating and starting a new relationship while still married…
And I seriously thought that, just because we talked about it and she agreed to be upfront, she would suddenly change in that matter…
Oh, oh, oh…sh*****t….
Law of karma at work here and I was certainly NOT consciously aware of the consequences of my choice back then ?
I can tell you it took all my training to not giving myself grief about it but accept the learning experience and take 100% responsibility for my choices…
…and as I did the pain went away, I felt alive, really thrivingly awesome, for the first time in months.
The really amazing thing here is that, as I just talked to my mastermind partner about, only recently I observed that “being the observer” and “conscious about the consequences of my choices at the time I make them” had become natural in my life.
I don’t know if two years is an average, short och prolonged time span to “get there”, though I can only say that it’s been worth all the struggle!
Anyway, there’s the story behind my absence from this blog and the reason why I’m moving over to masterkey.offthegridhiker.com
Hope to see you there, naturally I continue email about new posts and other goodies!
Mahalo for checking out my blog, please share the link with friends and loved ones who could benefit and, as always, I love to get a comment!
I appreciate you all!
Peace // Claes