Week 7 – The Empire strikes back

Do You remember that movie by George Lucas?
The small rebellion army that finally was taken seriously enough by the evil empire and found itself attacked by a vast and seemingly overwhelming army with enough fire power to extinguish entire solar systems?
It´s just a perfect analogy to my old blueprint striking back last week, so here we go:

Down-and-out

Did I take a hit from my old blueprint last week – almost got down with K.O. – how wonderful to bounce back more determent than before.
How come we sometimes need so severe a reminder of what we originally wanted to change?
Or is it just me…?

I was back in Stockholm for just five days to do some work for a non profit organization where I serve as vice chairman. We were present at the most important health exhibition in Sweden and that was the reason for my trip.
Took me about a split second to fall back into old patterns of trying to being enough for everyone and everything I considered important and forgetting my friend in the mirror during the process.


Without going into details I made some really bad choices, involving:

  • working too much
  • sleeping too little
  • dinner at 11:20 pm
  • no food during the day
  • forgetting to reserve time with myself
  • and, no, I´m not being hard on myself here
  • ………


funny-wet-cats-latest

Basically I found myself as exhausted as I often was before we consciously changed our circumstances and moved a little over a year ago – and only five days were enough to get me there landing back home at 3:00am on Monday.
(Maria said this is how I looked…)

 

So, WHY???

“And most of all I will love myself. For when I do I will zealously inspect all things which enter my body, my mind, my soul, and my heart. Never will I overindulge the requests of my flesh; rather I will cherish my body with cleanliness and moderation. Never will I allow my mind to be attracted to evil and despair, rather I will uplift it with the knowledge and wisdom of the ages. Never will I allow my soul to become complacent and satisfied, rather I will feed it with meditation and prayer. Never will I allow my heart to become small and bitter, rather I will share it and it will grow and warm the earth.” Og Mandino “The Greatest Salesman in the World” Scroll 2

It became pretty obvious that I hadn´t done a very good job at that during these five days and admittedly I´ve never had the feeling of myself being “enough”.
Regardless of my many accomplishments I always “knew” that I could and should have done more, been more, had more and, my, did that always get me in trouble trying to avoid the feeling over working, over performing, over servicing and at times just doing my best to dull the pain.

My Marvelous Maria had picked me up from the airport at 3am and when we woke up after just too few hours of sleep I felt miserable at the level of self-loathing and physical pain because of the state I had allowed myself to be in.
Maria applied some intuitive healing techniques, helped me identify and internalize the feeling of virtual worthlessness and brought me back to it´s origin where I could make peace with that 10 year old me (who in that particular situation really was totally helpless and inadequate).

“The same dualism underlies the nature and condition of man. Every excess causes a defect;
every defect an excess. Every sweet hath its sour; every evil its good. Every faculty which is
a receiver of pleasure has an equal penalty put on its abuse. It is to answer for its
moderation with its life. For every grain of wit there is a grain of folly. For every thing you
have missed, you have gained something else; and for every thing you gain, you lose
something.” Ralph Waldo Emerson “Compensation”
The effect was nothing short of mind blowing
In just a few moments (at least that´s what it felt like) I was able to not only make peace with
that scared little boy inside me and comfort him but also forgive my father for deserting me (of course that was only my interpretation at the time and not his intention, he got sick and was unable to handle it) as well as my self for being affected by this for almost 35 years.
It´s just a wonderful feeling to finally be able to stand in front of the mirror, look myself in the eyes, say “I love You, Claes!” and experience the truth of these words from the bottom of my heart.
If this MK experience ended right now it would be the best decision of my life to have started it and as it doesn´t I´m so looking forward to the next 19 weeks!

And so, with another short quote from Emerson:

“On the other hand, the law holds with equal sureness for all right action. Love, and you shall be loved. All love is mathematically just, as much as the two sides of an algebraic equation. The good man has absolute good, which like fire turns every thing to its own nature, so that you cannot do him any harm”
Mahalo for taking the time to read this, I appreciate You!
Love // Claes
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4 thoughts on “Week 7 – The Empire strikes back

  1. Mohammed Al Rubaiy

    My friend, I can identify with these feelings of self-loathing. We all face these ugly dragons internally. When I first met you, you left an impression about you that indicated power. I felt that. You are enough. The way you carry yourself is synonymous with excellence. I’ve witnessed it myself. Time for you to strike back at your Old Blueprint!
    Much love

    Reply
  2. Chantal Hansen

    Thank you for sharing your experiences, Claes! So great you are back on track, feeling the beautiful person you are. Yes, old childhood-experiences can have a deep impact on further life, your personal needs weren’t met at that time as a young boy (not intentionally, but still not met). You are doing so great, making new connections in your brain. The old ones which don’t serve you anymore, will vanish.

    Reply

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